My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize