If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
