i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He has the fingertips of a God
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