I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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