My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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