Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
