I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
