I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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