I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
