I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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