I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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