Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
