my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
