Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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