u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize