There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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