I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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