I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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