Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
