cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
