So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize