my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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