did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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