apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
