They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
