Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
