I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
