I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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