I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
