i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
