He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
