so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize