look no pants
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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