Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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