totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
