my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
