so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
