One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
