It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize