I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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