I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
