does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
