Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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