3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Redeem this text for a blowjob
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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