epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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