I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
