i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
