Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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