I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
smell my finger.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
