I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
