I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
