The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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