dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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