I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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