The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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