I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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