I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
