A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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