I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
