She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
