:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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