i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
