Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
