She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
