I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
