She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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