apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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