The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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