I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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